"You'd be surprised about how emotionally involved I am"

That's Jeff, explaining to Ryan that he really is concerned about Jenni. Me too. Here's Part II of your Flipping Out recap:

1. Jenni is shown limping around due to her ROOF TACK injury. I swear to God, a mellowed out version of Foxy Lady was playing in the background; can someone back me up on this? The Bravo employee who did this should either get a raise (for the humor) or get fired (for Kenny G-ing that song), I'm not sure which.

Jenni's bad luck continues at Lorie's Encino house when she gives a blank check to a contractor. Jeff reacts with an emphatic "FUCK." Twice, y'all! Yes. They bleeped it out, but still--I like it when he talks dirty. Very much. Mmmmm. Where was I? Oh yes. No harm is done, but he harangues her about the details of it for what appears to be for-fucking-ever. Jeff tells the camera that Jenni keeps screwing up at work, and that it's so unlike her. He sympathizes with her situation but says he can't give her paid vacation--"we don't do that at Jeff Lewis' office"--but that she could use some time off.

2. Ryan and Jeff have lunch.

Ryan tries to counsel Jeff on being sensitive to Jenni's needs, and Jeff responds with 'tude and eye rolling worthy of a 16 year old. Ryan, although Jeff is not the guru of compassion and warm fuzzies, I can vouch that he is really stepping up his game for Jenni. He expresses his affection and concern for her many times in this episode.

Having said that, did anyone else feel awkward when Jeff reveals to the camera that "not many people know this BUT" Chris Elwood, out of the blue, asked for a divorce four years ago (foreshadowing). Yikes! Jeff, why did it feel like you were betraying a confidence here? Were you? Feel free to tell me more secrets about Jenni's personal life via email.

Jenni, my darling, I will join the chorus in telling you that you are better off without him. He was bringing you DOWN, sister. Sucking your energy! Has Ryan saged you yet? Get on it.

Jeff then demonstrates his total devotion to Jenni by saying "I will stick by her, even if it takes six months [for her to get back to not fucking up on the j-o-b]." His therapy is really working, isn't it? But Jenni, I hope you have your shit together by month seven.

3. Time for Vally Oak to be staged! May I present to you, His Royal Hottness:

For full effect, please listen to this song while looking at this image.

I know so many of you have issues with Jeff's hair and lips, but did you see this scene? The sunglasses? HOTT. Like, 140 degrees. 150, even!

So as the furniture is being moved in and placed, Jeff's OCD kicks into high gear with his "3 inches that way, no, .0568 inches the other way, no, half a spider's leg that way . . . ." I had to smile when Jeff says "I don't think people are as concerned or committed to lining things up." Oh Jesus! Do you know what I'm committed to? Sneaking into his house and moving everything one quarter of an inch and watching his head explode.

The One and Only Chris talks about how amazing it is to watch Jeff work: Jeff puts the furniture one way, considers it, moves it and then moves it again until it's perfectly balanced. By the way, Chris sparkles and I'm not just saying that because I'm hoping to be his life coach. It's the truth.

4. Jeff departs Valley Oak after endless tiny adjustments. Then Ryan comes in with his whole team and MOVES IT ALL AROUND! My heart almost stopped when I thought of Jeff's wrath. Ryan explained that Jeff basically does the same set-up in every house and that it's a bit too modern and predictable. Ryan, who owns a design firm, was there to mix and warm things up. I love it when people defy Jeff. It scares the bejeezus out of me, but I do love it. God bless you, Ryan.

5. Jeff shows up at Valley Oak as Ryan is finishing up. He's certainly annoyed, but he does not lose it. He just wishes that Ryan would have given him a phone call or a text--yeah, so that Jeff could have responded "NO WAY! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH A THING OR I WILL STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!" Jeff ends up admitting that he liked most of Ryan's changes. I'm so proud of you, Jeff.

6. Chris is at Lorie's Encino house assisting Jeff. Jeff loves that Chris is not a fuck-up and is actually interested in project management and design. I'd like to point out that Chris uses Dulux brand paint when he's painting the swatches on the walls. I KNEW IT! My painter gave me a funny look when I insisted upon running halfway across town for Dulux, but's the best, bitches.

7. Jaw-dropper (but not really if you had been paying attention): Jenni reports that she didn't dump Chris Elwood, CHRIS ELWOOD DUMPED HER! What. The. Fuck. Jenni reports that he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. How original! "Rejection isn't easy," she sighs. I'll say. Especially when you're rejected by a ding-dong who wears an ironic headband to work.

Did he wear that headband during sex, Jenni? Don't answer--I'll just ask Jeff.

I'd like to come out in support of Chris Elwood on one thing, though. The dogs were not fighting. They were playing, just as he said.

8. Jeff again pledges his friendship and support to Jenni. He admires her for showing up to work each day and putting on a brave face. THEN, he says something that is soooo classic Jeff: "I think she just wants a hug, but God knows I'm uncomfortable with that." !!! Jeff, you'd better hope you never run into me because I will ambush you with an extra-long, tight HUG complete with closed eyes and nuzzling and maybe even moaning. You too, Jenni, but I won't make it so weird and uncomfortable for you.

Jeff says that his friendship with Chris Elwood is OVER, but that if Chris and Jenni reconcile, he will support her--"that's how much I love Jenni." Aw! Who is this kind man? (FYI, Jenni, I will not support reconciliation).

That's the end of the show!


BONUS ROUNDTABLE DISCUSSION: JEFF'S HAIR AND LIPS

Okay, I am pretty oblivious when it comes to fake hair and plastic surgery (with the exception of boobs). It has to be really obvious, like this:

or this:

for me to be convinced that a hair specialist or doctor has intervened. If Jeff has a rug or artificially plump lips, I think it's all well done. He looks GOOD. HOTT, remember? I know some of you disagree. Personally, I think we should be concentrating our efforts on Ryan and persuading him to wear his hair shorter.

All sides please weigh in, and if you think any looks have been tampered with, please support your claim.

Have a fab weekend, you sexy mofos!

p.s. If you want a super-sharp recap of Project Runway, head on over here.

"Did it kill me to see it? You bet."

So much emotion in this episode! Pain, compassion, sorrow, guilt...ah, the guilt. I'll explain later. Your Flipping Out recap follows.

1. The episode begins with Jeff talking about how tirelessly Jenni defends her husband and his goof-ups. "It's a full-time job to cover for Chris Elwood," he tells the camera. Chris E's crimes at work are recounted (among them, 150 visits to facebook in 3 days. Nice work! Even I am kind of in awe of that). At this point, we're still not sure who's the nutcase--is Jeff exaggerating and freaking out over nothing, or does Chris have a snooping and lying problem?

We see Zoila eating breakfast with Jeff, who is looking all sexy and rumpled in a white t-shirt (his jammies!).


He's telling her that he bought "the whole new and improved Chris Elwood" but that it was just a big lie. Zoila's feeling badly about Chris E situation and Jeff reassures her by telling her that it's because she's a nice person and that Chris E "did this to himself." Then do you know what that crazy fucker does? He tells Zoila that "if it looks like it's going to get ugly, I'm gonna pin the blame on you." The stunned look on Zoila's face is priceless, as she believes him for what looks to be almost 3 seconds. This, my friends, is why I cherish Jeff Lewis. He's all serious and scowl-y and then he breaks the tension with the most funny line evah.

2. Next, Chris E arrives at work and the cameras follow him walking in the house, going up the stairs, and waiting for Jeff in his office. After a excruciatingly long time, Jeff walks in and gives Chris E a bottle of water, which was a nice gesture.

Chris E gets fired in a very straightforward, professional way. I will not go into details except to tell you that I had to watch it through my fingers which were covering my eyes. On SGM's Bravo Scale of Agony™, it was more awful than Quinn's Roxy moment, but not quite as unbearable as that nasty Lisa making fun of the cancer survivor's boobs. There is a lot of focusing in on Chris E's face, which caused me to squint and then completely look away. Chris E was clearly nervous but otherwise pretty composed throughout the whole scene. At the end, Jeff says, "do you have anything you want to say to me?" Chris says, "I'm sorry. I messed up and I apologize."

When I finally get the guts to look at the tv again, Chris is outside by his little white truck. He repeats that he "messed up" and that "Jenni's in the worst position because she's been defending me." He doesn't seemed shocked or terribly upset. There is no mention of "what the eff kind of crazy-ass mofo installs a nanny cam to spy on his employees" which is what I was expecting. Do you know what I think? I think Chris E is relieved. Relieved to be free of a hard-ass boss and a job that he didn't love, relieved to have an excuse to get out of an unsatisfying marriage, relieved to finally put his earbuds away.

Then comes the most heartbreaking part--Jeff telling Jenni about Chris E and the hidden camera. Bravo played it to full dramatic effect by showing this scene as it was captured by the nanny cam; there is no sound, just the grainy images. Jenni is clearly distraught and flails around a bit before sobbing in Zoila's arms. It's sad, my pets. During this time, we hear Jeff's voice giving a little more justification for the nanny cam. He says that since Jenni truly believed that her husband was hard worker of the year, she would need some rock-solid evidence to prove otherwise. The nanny cam provided that.


Jenni's a good egg. I hate to see her so upset. Even Jeff said that her reaction was "much bigger" than he had expected.

To me, the fact that Jeff had to inform Jenni of Chris E's firing was very telling. If you get the ax, wouldn't you immediately call your spouse? Important clue here.

3. The day after the firing, there's a tender scene in Jeff's car when he says to Jenni, "I appreciate you coming to work today; I know it's rough for you." (Did you see this, Ryan? Tenderness. From Jeff Lewis.) She says that she doesn't blame him for the camera--"it's your business and I get it"--but that it killed her to see the footage. Killed her! Jenni has some tears and says to the camera, "whether he's with me or not, I want him to be happy, he's a wonderful man." This is when we realize that something much, much bigger is going on. Yowza.

Let's talk about the guilt now. Believe it or not, I spotted Chris E as a squirrel last season. I mean, the headbands, the earbuds, the lying, the getting fired 7 other times . . . and oh yeah, and the fact that he appeared so immature that I thought Chris E was Jenni's CHILD. What if I could have prevented the whole hidden camera scandal by reaching out to her with an email at the end of last season? Was I so busy and consumed by my own life that I couldn't drive to LA, track her down, jump out of my car and shake her by the shoulders and say "Jenni, he's a fucktard"? I will have to live with my inaction for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry, Jenni.

4. Jeff breaks the news to New Chris, who is now the only Chris. During this conversation, Chris is wearing a snug tuxedo t-shirt, which is totally distracting. Sadly, there are no pictures of the shirt on Bravo's site, so I'll show you what I am talking about:

Although I haven't been watching him for long, I can tell you that Chris could be featured on The Sartorialist every damn day. Even in a tuxedo t-shirt! That's just how stylish he is. The man could rock a ratty mullet and a mustard-stained wife-beater if he wanted to.

So what is Chris' response to being told about the hidden camera? An incredulous "this bitch means bizness!" (to the camera, of course, not to Jeff's face). Um, if you don't love him, please come see me and I will give you a sharp smack across the face with my gloves. He talks about Jeff's impossibly high standards, and goes on to say that he feels shocked and violated and questions the legality of what Jeff did. Now you know, man. Watch yo'self!

Then Jeff tells Chris that he wants to hire him full-time and expose him to the "bizness" of real estate investment and design. Yes! The silver-lining to Jenni's sorrow.

One more thing--Jeff seems to be eating Yoplait during this scene.


Jeff, don't. That shit is full of chemicals and sugar.

5. Jeff and Jenni visit Lorie's Encino house, which is in the midst of having the roof replaced. Jeff walks up to a big pile of construction debris and says, "Jesus. That's a couple loads." At which point my husband remarked, "that's what she said."

Didn't this house have a Spanish tile roof before? And it's being replaced with a yucky generic asphalt roof? What's going on here, Jeff? Did Lorie run out of money?

Moving on. Jenni's awful day continues when she steps on a ROOFING TACK. It was so painful that Bravo didn't even bleep out the "fuck!" she exclaimed after it pierced her thin little flats. Ooooh, I totally got the willies here. Frank the contractor, owner of a super-deluxe first aid kit, is there to help remove it. Then, for some reason, he starts smacking her on the wound with a piece of wood. WTF? Jeff tries to find some humor in the situation by saying, "Frank was a doctor before he was a contractor." Then, while Frank is cleaning Jenni's foot, Jeff says "they were dirty like that before." A super-unattractive snort came from my person at that point. I love you, Jeff Loo-ey.


The End of Part I.

I know, I know, but there's so much good stuff in this episode. I must break it up to do it justice. Tomorrow I will cover the second half of the show as well as attempt to answer some reader questions about Jeff's hair. Until then, my dears.

Tell me again, why are you here?

Or, just give me a cliche about why you're not here.




This montage was created by the brilliant Rich at Four Four. It's quite possible that he delights in reality tv more than I do.

"I though castration was where you cut off the penis"

Ah, Chris Elwood. Such a simple man. Or is he?

Some major shit went down on Flipping Out this week. MAJOR. Here's your recap:

1. The show opens with Jeff talking about how anxious he is about the nanny cam he's installed in his office. He's not only nervous that it will be discovered by his employees, but he's afraid that he's going to see them doing really awful stuff, like not answering his phone in the prescribed manner: "Good morning/afternoon/evening, it's a great day at Jeff Lewis' office, this is _____."


See how troubled he is? It's not a great day at Jeff Lewis' office. Not at all.

2. While driving with Jenni in the car, Jeff's motherly instinct kicks in and he "accidentally" touches Jenni's boobs when he has to stop suddenly. Not crucial to the developing storyline, but it's funny (and it's the oldest trick in the book, Jeff).


3. Jeff heads over to Lorie's house. She's the one who hired Jeff to oversee the renovation of her home and he is working his magic.


In this scene, I wrote in my notes (yes, I take notes on reality tv), "WHY AREN'T YOU STRAIGHT?" I don't know why. Perhaps he was explaining how the new layout of Lorie's kitchen will function. That type of thing turns me on.

Massive quantities of rat droppings are found in the air ducts of Lorie's home which is distressing to everyone. Also, while discussing her new kitchen, Jeff endorses white orchids (a very controversial move).

4. There are deer living near Jeff and Ryan's Valley Oak property and Jeff is enchanted by them. He calls himself "the deer whisperer" and throws apples to them.


5. After hearing from a mole that Chris Elwood answered Jeff's phone "Bonjour, Chez Loo-ey," Jeff confronts him on this violation of Jeff's Nit-Picky Rule #496, How to Answer the Phone. Chris E denies it and swears "100% on his soul" and on his mother's and father's souls that he didn't do it. Jeff starts to question the mole's information due to Chris' indignation. He doesn't know what to believe.

Ryan, who is also present, says to Jeff after Chris Elwood leaves the room, "it's awkward; not only do they work for you but they're our friends too." Ah yes. I believe this is what Shakespeare calls "the rub."

6. Jeff is watching nanny cam footage. We see and hear Chris E answering the phone "Bonjour, Chez Loo-ey!" in a zippy and enthusiastic French accent. It would actually be quite endearing had we not just seen Chris E deny deny deny and then deny some more. It's not the phone greeting that disturbs Jeff so much, it's the lying. Well, okay, the unapproved phone greeting also really pisses him off.

7. Jeff gets this home DNA kit for his dogs to determine their breeds. Jeff cuddles the dogs while they are getting their mouths swabbed and it's tres cute. Then, we are treated to the dumbest conversation I have ever seen on reality tv (and I watched Flavor of Love, just to give you some perspective). I wish I had transcribed it, but I did not, so I will just give you the gist. The DNA form asks if the dog has been castrated. Chris E starts talking about how castration is cutting off the penis. New Chris kind of laughs at him, and tells him that castration is cutting off the balls. Chris E starts talking gibberish about eunuchs (!) and how they don't have penises. "They have to pee! How do they pee?" says New Chris. "Through a hole" says Chris E very earnestly. Good God. Can't he just quit his job at Jeff's and go on disability due to a crippling case of the stupids?

A personal note to New Chris: Do you think I haven't noticed how awesome you are? Do you? Because I've noticed all right. You've got style oozing from every pore and you're a hard worker. I respect you for playing second fiddle to Chris E and trying to pay your dues. But seriously. Look at you:

You're too good for this job. If you'd like more life coaching from me, I'd be happy to give it to you in person (that's what she said). Just email me for an appointment.

8. Ryan looks like he might be participating in a religious healing ceremony, but really he's just picking out molding for Valley Oak.


9. There's a bunch more about Lorie's house and how she's not been maintaining it properly. Jeff is "very disappointed" in her. Note his look of disgust when examining the overflowing gutters:


Note to Lorie--you are adorable. For real. But you'd better watch your back because Bravo is trying to make you look like a crazypants with editing. They're taking your words out of context; I'm certain of it. There's not much you can do at this point, but sleep with one eye open, okay?


10. We find out that Jeff is also Jenni and Chris E's landlord (I still can't believe that she sleeps with him). Jeff tells the camera that Jenni is one of his best friends. He admits that maybe the nanny cam was a mistake and "the last thing I want to do is hurt her." He's feeling some guilt, which is healthy in my opinion. A person should feel guilty about secretly taping his best friend.

Jeff and Jenni are in the car and Jeff is complaining to her about some dumbass thing that her husband did. Jenni defends Chris E with great zeal, saying he's a good person and a devoted and loyal employee. Foreshadowing, people! Pay attention!

11. Shower glass at Valley Oak is shattered. Jeff says "we need to make a list of all of my enemies." Great idea, Jeff! Does Courtney have an alibi?

12. Now we're in the last 5 minutes of the show, and it's night time as Jeff is watching Chris E on the nanny cam. We in the biz like to call what's about to happen an "ooooh shit" moment. Jeff watches as Chris Elwood goofs off while New Chris is doing all of the work. Here he is stretching. Not a punishable offense in my book, but this picture cracks me up. Straight out of Dumb and Dumber.


He then watches Chris E play on the forbidden computer and wipe off his fingerprints afterward; he watches Chris E read a book and send texts. Doesn't every employee do this? Then . . . then he sees Chris E going through his personal papers, such as tax returns, etc. Not good. Chris E makes himself look even more guilty by peeking out the window to see if anyone's coming. I can barely watch the tv at this point. It's so uncomfortable, watching Chris E in secret like this. I feel dirty! So does Zoila, after Jeff convinces her to watch with him. "I don't want to see this," she says. Duh. The nanny cam has been tracking you too, Zoila! No one is safe.

Jeff is stunned and hurt. He says that his cage has really been rattled, and that Jenni is going to be "wrecked" when she sees what her husband has been up to.

We see scenes from next week and I swear to God, my hand was over my mouth in shock as Jenni is shown bawling her eyes out, saying "I want him to get help, I don't know what else to say." You know she's talking about Jeff. Or is it Chris E? Can't wait.


This show! It's like a fucking Greek tragedy. What do you think?

Christie Brinkley's Divorce Extravaganza

Honestly, I don't know much about it. However, I did catch a minute of the story on the Today Show--are they really that hard up for news that this is one of the stories featured in the first 20 minutes? I have no problem with it, but what about normal people? People actually looking for, I don't know, news?

Anyhow, I see Christie Brinkley on her way to court, thrilled to be losing 180 lbs--not as a result of the Total Gym--but as a result of ditching her douchebag husband.


Go Christie! Happy happy! And then while some reporter was discussing Mr. I-Cheated-on-My-Wife-with-a-Child's testimony, this flashed onto the screen:

Ah, the brilliance and unintentional hilarity of courtroom art! If you took the two men out of the picture and replaced them with a window and an ocean view, complete with seagulls in the sky, you would have some serious 1970s-style amateur art. Christie looks so pensive and peaceful. She is not in a heart-wrenching divorce proceeding; she is in her kitchen, drinking General Food's International Coffee, thinking about what to feed her cat and how to make her hair less poofy. Then there's the boo-hooing, no-necked Peter with an extra shoulder, crying over God knows what. And the attorney! Don't you want to draw lasers coming from his eyes? What is that pose? It's kind of James Bond-esque, yet pure evil.

Before I sign off, I'd like to share my favorite courtroom drawing of all time. May I present to you, Kevin Federline, with a fauxhawk:


Have a lovely day.

Believe the Hype!

I know that you read Susannah over at Petunia Face (if you don't, then get your bony butt over there asap), and you adore her just like I do. She's hilarious and weird and cool and a brilliant writer. It's true, and we all know it.

Jamie over at I Suwannee paired us up for her summer swap, and I'd like to report that Susannah is not only everything mentioned above, but she is also magnificently AWESOME in every single way. I don't mean to make you people jealous, but take a gander:


My heart stopped beating at this point. Yes it did.

When I saw this, my 6 year old asked if I was okay. I think it was because of the delirious squealing and grunting coming from my mouth. It gets better, peeps.

Lots of little tea goodies (I love tea!) and then the coffee cup. Can you see it? Let's zoom in.

Yes, bitches, that's Alex McCord's grimace of suburbia ON A FUCKING COFFEE CUP!

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kept reaching for the phone to call you, Susannah and start screaming in your ear, but alas, phone numbers were not swapped, which is probably for the best because who wants to listen to a bunch of screaming?

Susannah, thank you so so so much. You are now my Free Pass Five lesbian bonus pick whether you like it or not.

p.s. my kitchen walls look purple. I assure you they are not. Chocolate brown, folks.

Happy Birthday, Pam!

Hey, pretty lady! Is that a rash in your cleavage? Or did Crissssssss Angel scratch you with his rings? Be careful, now. I don't want you passing that Hep C on to anyone.

Love,
SGM